On last week’s episode of
Top Chef Masters, Anita
Man Lo kicked everyone’s butt, and
Max Maven is the best magician in the history of civilization. Even better than Gandalf and Merlin. Really, he is.
On this week’s episode, we meet the newest four Cheftestants:
Michael Chiarello – Television Chef who possesses all the charm and smarm of a Used Car Salesman…
Nils Norén – the “Swedish Chef” who now heads up the French Culinary Institute in New York City…
Lachlan Patterson, “the young, hunky one” …
And finally,
Rick Moonen, “hyper”, NYC Chef …
The Cheftestants gather in the
Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Kelly “
I’m Not Stoned Like That Other Host” Choi. She introduces this week’s Quickfire Challenge…
Quickfire:They bring back the Junk Food Challenge from Season One – which Harold won with Popcorn Ceviche. The challenge will be to reinterpret their selected junk food item. And when I say “junk food”, I mean “delicious staple of David’s diet”.
Michael picks first, and he selects Fish
Dicks Sticks. Those of you who watch
South Park will know how funny this is.
Lachlan picks Hot Dogs, followed by Rick who chooses Corn Dogs. This is turning into the most Phallic Quickfire EVER.
Lastly, Nils ruins the possibility of more peen jokes by picking Fried Shrimp. Party pooper.
Kelly explains that the Quickfire judges this week are “junk food lovers”. On screen, we see Bravolebrity (
and certified lunatic) Jeff Lewis and his crew. I don’t watch
Flipping Out (
crazy people make me nervous), so I don’t know who these Ho’s are – but Jeff explains that they are “White Trash with Money”. I wonder if he realizes how insulting that is to White Trash … and to Money. Bottom line: Jeff Lewis is about as qualified to judge a cooking competition as Kelly Rowland is to judge a fashion competition. Wait ...
(?) …
The chefs do their thing, and it’s time to present to the "judges". Hunky Lachlan (
"Lachlan" has got to be one of the sexiest names on the planet - it's up there with "Juan-Carlos") makes some kind of sausage soup … and I’ll stop there. Nils makes a POACHED shrimp which isn’t fried at all. And Rick tries to make something, but Newman came over distracted him so he decided to go to the movies with Jerry and Elaine instead. In other words, Rick has nothing to present to the judges.
Michael Chiarello presents Swordfish Meatballs, which Jeff Lewis’ assistant thinks are “perfect” – and Michael wins the Quickfire. I’m sure old “Fish Balls” will be telling this story at cocktail parties for YEARS. “
Did I ever tell you about MY THREE PERFECT BALLS?!?”. Gag.
Elimination:Kelly tries to fake out the Chefs by telling them they’ll be cooking 3 courses for 100 people ... by themselves. Actually, they’ll only be preparing hors d’oeuvres inspired by an appetizer, an entrée, and a dessert for 100 people. They have $1000 to spend at Whole Foods.
After shopping, they return to the
Top Chef kitchen and get cooking. Nils, a former Swedish Reggae band-member, has decided to smoke everything…
Dude! Michael is having gelato issues – so he decides to “piggyback” off young Lachlan’s knowledge of the Blast Freezer. “
Is that hard enough?”, smarmy Michael asks the younger, hunkier chef. My answer to Michael would have been: “
Not even with all the Viagra at the Playboy Mansion”…
Anywhore, they arrive at the venue and get set up for the party. They will be serving “
Top Chef fans”. These "fans" include
Project Runway’s Sweet P and JerHell. Did you find it funny that by inviting them, Bravo was in effect plugging
Project Runway – a show in which they no longer own? Woops. Anywhore, it was great seeing Sweet P and Jerell who were funny and charming.
The judges (
Jay Raynor, Gael Greene, and James Oseland) arrive – and they sample the dishes. For the “appetizer” course, the judges seem to likee Michael’s Brussels sprout dish, and they no likee Lachlan’s fried pineapple with speck.
Time for the “main courses”. Michael is doing “Pissed Off Prawns”, although I’m still not sure what those prawns are so mad about. Besides the fact that they have to spend time with Michael Chiarello. Speaking of Michael, could he have been ANY GROSSER while hitting on every woman who stopped by the table? Even Lachlan remarks that Michael is the “most comfortable showman”. Translation: "Michael Chiarello will sleep with Gael Greene AND James Oseland if it will help him win this competition."
Speaking of Gael and James – in the middle of the episode, they had a little catfight about whether or not it was appropriate to serve something that needed a knife at a cocktail party. At one point I thought one of them was going to pick up said knife and cut a biatch! Those two kids are crazy when they get drunk...
Finally, they finish with the “desserts”. Nils does something with a “smoked tea” flavor. Again with the smoking!
Dude! And Michael’s gelato apparently IS hard enough to please James Oseland, but Gael doesn’t like to get “lawn cuttings” (basil) in her mouth while having dessert. She’s obviously never hooked up with a hot Yankee Stadium groundskeeper. I recommend it highly.
The party is over, and it’s time for the Critics Table. “Pissed Off Gael” is still bitching about the “Pissed Off Prawns” that she needed a knife for. Michael, in the lamest defense in
Top Chef history, replies that he left the tail on the shrimp – which is like an “Italian Fork”. WTF? But Gael does decide that she now LIKES lawn cuttings in her mouth. She must have taken my advice about the groundskeeper.
James and Gael have another fight about whether Nils salmon “entrée” was too “fishy” or not. James thought it was “intensely fishy”, but Gail (and Jay) disagree. BTW, James Oseland saying “intensely fishy” is going to be my new ring tone. Gayest.Thing.Ever.
There was a lot of discussion about Lachlan’s "speck". You can imagine which side of the line James Oseland fell regarding the hunky chef’s delicious speck. Although overall the judges seemed to think young Lachlan’s dishes were rather “meh”. Gael obviously doesn’t like the taste of Speck in her mouth…
Time for the results. Rick and Nils are tied at 17, and Lachlan is out. Finally, Michael “
Ask Me About My Fishy Balls” Chiarello wins. I can’t wait to see Anita Lo kick him in the (Fish) balls during the Champions Round.
Next week … Oprah’s Big Gay Chef needs a Big Gay Drink!!
Alain Lamas
